I think I just had one of the best wee weeks for a very long time.
Started the new job, even tho I dont understand it, its still quite alright.
I gotta go see him on Tuesday night and wake up next to him which was nice.
Went to see lots of my friends from school and talk random crap with scott, missed it hunners.
Got to go to the pub, even tho it cost £6 to get in somehow got to with the crowd of school mates and get wasted on ridiculous priced alcohol and meet the ever so exciting girls.
Somehow managed to walk from top to the bottom of town, leave the girls to go and actually have some fun. Meet Rach and her pals and had some banterful talks with them and then the catty.
Met ma boys and danced like a farmer with rach, met some other folk in there too. Seen someone for what he really is n realise how much of an actual dick he is and how lucky I am not to feel anything for him and it was all a big mistake.
Met up with the boy, met the new roomy and actually got on with her. Partied away in the catty for a good few hours, went back to his with a random girl who wanted to fight some mentalists on the bus and a boy who I adore like a brother. HAd a random chat with random girl and still dont know who she is, smoked and drank too much and passed out to wake up with him on the floor next to me.
Got to spend the whole day with cuddles and kisses and good chats about actual stuff, hung out with the flat mate and got to know her better, watched hunners a rugby and ate yummy pizza. Some bed time hugs and old skool films and rude jokes. Woke up next to him again to hear him talk in his sleep, always makes me laugh.
Hung out for a while and came home, showered and slept til my din dins were ready.
Now watching the rest of the rugby, and waiting for it to be dark enough for me to go to sleep.
So all in all its been ace.
Made a good few new mates, found out people are dicks and I dont need them in my life even if they call me their so called friend, that I can actually handle far too much alcohol and that I do infact adore a certain someone and pretty much always will.
Know what Rob, you can pretty much go and fuck yourself.
I actually thought that you maybe changed, that going away and getting the job and the flat would somehow change you, but you really are just worse than ever.
Only difference is that Ive changed.
We spoke the other night because I txt you and if it wasnt for me we wouldnt have talked.
But we did and we said that we would hang out and have a proper best mates night in, pizza beer films the lot.
But then after not txting or calling me at all for the last few days you decide you want some sex and you think calling me automatically means ill come running.
And cheers, after I say im not coming over because I feel like shite, you dont have any sympathy what so ever (not that I was asking but its the normal thing to at least say a shallow aww) and you then just ignore me and all of a sudden have to go.
Well fuck it.
The last few days I havent thought about you at all and it has made me feel fucking amazing.
I had someone else on my mind who is better than you hopefully or else I made yet another mistake.
I cant and wont let you hurt me again. Its been us in a stupid fucked up mess for a year and I cant take it anymore. You broke my heart when you lied to me and made me look like an idiot infront of everyone but I got over that and gave you the benefit of the doubt but you throw it back in my face. It took everything I had in me to forgive you and be able to be in the same room as you without wanting to smack you, but I suppose that doesnt mean shit to you. your Rob, you have you on your mind. You get these stupid girls to rub in my face, you have your flat and your life but oh it hasnet gone to plan so I sit and i listen to you year after year talk about how you fucked up n dropped out. SEE A FUCKING PATTERN you take drugs and your parents freak out, throw you out and you get chucked outta uni. And for some reason you expect everyone to fall at yor fucking feet and forgive you and prop you back up well not this time mate. You want anything to do with me you say sorry and you behave like a fucking friend. I got enough so I dont really need you I just have history with you and dont wanna throw it away on you being a wanker but I will cos I dont have the engery for it all anymore.
So for now im done. Okay.
Its so sad but I still let myself get worked up by you.
I have no idea why I went over to yours last week, but I guess old habits die hard.
Maybe I just felt somehow flattered that I was the first 'friend' you talked to when you got back.
Or maybe its just all about the sex?
I really never ever learn a lesson.
Went back to kev even though he treated me like absolute dirt and done then done the same with him.
But new starts...get a new job, a bit of travelling next year, try the whole driving thing again and get a flat.
Time to start acting different.
No more silly little girl.
Why am I letting you back into my life after everything? You fucked me around more than anyone else has and yet all I can think about is how much I want you next to me.
When were together im fine again, even after everything thats gone on im still 100% completely secure and relaxed with you.
Nearly everynight theres some weird dream. Everyday we talk and its all okay.
I know we should have some sort of talk and get everything out in the open so neither of us will get hurt.
For some reason I still get jealous, its weird but when you were with her I was fine. I knew you were with one person and that you werent happy and it made me happy. It sounds sick but its true.
Now yer renting the house and I know if its some girl im always gonna get stupid crazy jealous and I dont want to.
Why after all of this do I still love you?
I just really want us back to us.
It would be amazing. Imagine me you and someone we both get on with in the flat. Would be like it was at christmas but without the mind games n all that.
Come out on tuesday and lets just have some of our old skool fun.
How can you do this to me again Rob, seriously does it give you a kick to make me even more fucked up than usual.
I finally managed to get over you and then you come up to me, say I really miss you by the way and then walk away to your girlfriend. Then we go home and talk for hours on end and you tell me your breaking up with her this week because it wasnt as good as when we were together.
Were you or were you not the one that told me that you and me wouldnt work out again.
Were you not the one that lied to me about everything and broke my heart so many times.
I gave you everything and it wasnt enough and now that im trying to really move on without you as my main concern you decide that you want me back.
Just because you click your fingers it does NOT mean that I will come back to you.
I still love you as a friend. You mean lots to me and you know that I will always be there for you but I cant go back to the way it was.
The meaningless hook ups when we were bored and the shit conversations and hurting the shit outta each other to make each other jealous isnt worth it. I done it for like a year and I cant do it again. It destroyed me more than you know
I just wish that we worked things out properly when we were together the first time 2yrs ago. I wish we worked through the problems and got over them together because I thought that we were strong enough for it. I do sometimes still want us to get together but too many people will hate us for it, it will hurt people and pretty much all my friends will lose total respect for me. Not to mention my parents.
What is wrong with us kiddo? Why do we always end up together and having the same talk every couple of weeks.
Why am I even thinking about this? I cant.
I know that noone will read this or if you do its probably random entry but oh well.
I need to vent away from my friends for once.
Its been so long since we broke up and its still hurting me.
Ive gotten over everything else the last 3yrs has thrown at me but somehow you holds me back.
Maybe its because I actually did love you with everything I had. I held back so much from you so I didnt fall for you and then in the end i let everything go because for the first time in my life I actually felt so safe with someone. You were the other side of me, its cheesy n cliche but its true. Before I met you everything was a mess and I could only see one drastic escape. Then I met you and you talked to me and you wanted to be with me and you really loved me and done everything for me just to make me happy. You held on for me for 4months. You didnt pressure me because you knew my historty. You bought me little in-joke presents and called me at 3am to say goodnight because I dont sleep properly. Our groups of friends became best friends and we all hung out and had some of the best times ever. You were Mr. Romantic, you cooked me my favourite meal and would light the house with candles and make cheesy but cute cds just to make everything okay for our 3rd date. You were instantly the person I knew that would change my life. From the night I met you I could relax with you and be myself. I never once was nervous when we met up in the early days and thats something for me. You were the only person I opened up to about my uncle and campbell and my dad and how self conscious I am about myself.
And then somehow it all went wrong within a 2weeks. The night before we broke up I cried in the club and was so scared that I couldnt even call you just incase you said those words. The next day you broke my heart. The day after that when you came over thats when I first got nervous with you. That when I felt so sick and so scared. You cried for gods sake. You never cry. You obviously didnt want to break up but we did.
Then 2months later we hang out after our crap friendship. And you kiss me. Not me kissing you, you kissed me. I really thought we were just gonna hang out as friends but not. Then one thing leads to another and we start a stupid year of utter crap. I get thrown out my house and you do too. We both drop outta school. We both lost the majority of our friends. Difference was I didnt lose them because I became this big headed person. You took every oppertunity to rub how girls were all over you and loved you. I never told you who I was kissing trying to get over you. I hated hearing all those stories. It broke my heart. I gave up 3 of the most loveliest boys so we could maybe just have a second chance. 3 boys that begged me to stop hanging out with you and to give them a chance but I lied n hurt them.
I did it because I still loved you.
Then I tell you how I feel and you throw it back in my face. If we werent anything I thought we were at least friends and I thought that you didnt hurt your friends. Sorry my feelings made your life 'awkward' Really what made it awkward was when you brought the girl you were seeing to the club you knew I was going to be at and took her to the place I usually hang out at. Sadly mate I wasnt there. Thats why I didnt talk to you for 2months. Thats why my friends hated you. Thats why my guy mates were going to seriously hurt you.
Then somehow one day you were there. I gave that one boy a chance and he hurt me and you were there. You sat with me when I was drunk and you let me cry on your shoulder for hours and didnt ask why. You let me rabble on and tried to cheer me up. You let it slip that you still cared. It sent all those feelings rushing back.
So a year on and your still at the top of my mind. You are there for me when i need you. When I started cutting again you came over straight away and looked after me. When I felt like I was losing control you came over. We sit and talk for hours and hours on and about silly things about the future. You said you wanted to marry me on several occassions. You said I was your best friend by far and that I can rely on you for anything.
But boyo I just dont know if I can really let you in my life again. Not that extreme anyways. Im trying so hard to get over you but the thought of losing you totally again hurts like fuck. I wish I didnt get jealous about other girls talking to you or when some girls growls at me because they know who I am in your life. I cant deal with it again.
I want to really really really hate you properly or just not feel those good old emotions. But its never going to be that easy. You were my future. We were going to move in together and get some goldfish cos your allergic to everything. You were going to start driving so we could ust get away from everything if we wanted to. We were going on holidays and making actual plans and its gone. And I hate that I still feel something towards you.
You randomly show up at my house drunk and what am I suppose to do? You ignore me when you cant be bothered and it drives me mad.
Just at what point is this going to go away?
When am I going to meet this new person that makes me happy?
When the hell is this all going to be okay again?
I dont know how long I can really take this for.
Maybe I should go to Greece for the 4months.
Maybe I'll get the guts to show you all this one day.
All the love
What is wrong with me? Why cant I just fucking get over it? I know I shouldnt do anything that im doing but I dont know I cant stop myself. I miss everything that I had a month ago. A month ago I had everything that I needed n everything was good. Feel like im flipping out or something and I need it to stop. Im tryin to get over it n move on but I cant. I cant even stay angry for more than a few hours then I just break down again. This isnt fucking normal. Why am I feeling like this? Its not like we went out for a long time or anything and as close as we were there was obviously a lot I didnt know about him so it should be easy to get over him but its not. It just gets harder cos I know hes soo far over it all. Why do I always end up the one that feels like shit n things get worse? Why cant I just move on n be happy n go out all the time with my friends n just forget about everything? This is so crap and I want it to go away. Im trying to pretend that im ok n that im not letting it bother me but im well a shit actor so im guessing everyones seeing through it. Im trying to have fun n not give a shit but that usually involved alcohol n well that makes me think more n makes me send stupid messages or phone calls n it makes everything 10x worse than it already is. This has to go away soon or I will snap n kill someone.
Sorry for the vent.